If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
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Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Somebody’s lying.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes