Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
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AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.