I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
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I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Lol
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.