Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
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Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.