It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
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A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
buying dead houseplants to save time
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.