does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
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I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
SCARY COSTUME
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Doctors texting each other.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint