[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
You Might Also Like
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Shoo shoo! 😂
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage