Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
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Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda