Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
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mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
smh
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem