Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
You Might Also Like
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
I can’t stop laughing at this
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’