Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
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[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻‍♀️
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes