I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
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Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Just how popey was the pope today?
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.