Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
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People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks