My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
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My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide