Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
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Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.