I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
You Might Also Like
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
“what that mouth do?” complain
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup