detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
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What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’