Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
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What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps