Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
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Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.