What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
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If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
How does one answer this?
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
birds and squirrels envy us
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died