You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
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Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no