I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
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Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
The prophecy is fulfilled
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
u spoke cat all this time??????
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏