Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
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I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.