Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
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My guardian angel deserves a raise
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
yes… yes…
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s