[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
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Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend