I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
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Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”