[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
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While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
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I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel