“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
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Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*