Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
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Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.