cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
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I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.