Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
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I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.