made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
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the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.