e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Damn what did I do next
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
this has done me in for some reason
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3