A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
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Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Hmmmmm
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Well, my evening plans are ruined
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket