Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
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Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
The pasta is now
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.