Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
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I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.