30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
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Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Has there ever been a more American story?
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
do what now??
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
🐕🍷
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.