Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
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me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.