What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
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why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea