Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
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Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭