[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
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Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
No way!
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?