My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
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Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum