Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
You Might Also Like
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
#oldknees
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
o shit
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.