Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
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Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”