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Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?