Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
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Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.