Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
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Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”