A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
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Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY