Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
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if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner