I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
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*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
#polloftheday
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.